It honors me to call him my friend. I meet with Thurman each Weds. after school, usually at the chapel of caffeine, free wifi, and rasberry sweetened green tea (that would be Panera). Most everytime we meet he concludes by asking “how can I pray for you?”. Which is not that uncommon in standard evangelical parlance (which is probably not the right word, but it seemed good at the time), but when Thurman asks you can tell he really means it.
So, anyway, yesterday Thurman asks me “how can I pray for you?”. To which I replied, “that God would kick-start some conversations or something for getting something (like a House Church) started in Pleasant Ridge (our neighborhood) and for how disconnected I feel from myself.” That second part is another story (I don’t enjoy my own presence of late, I’m not sure why, but I don’t like how I am “being”). So I reckon Thurman was praying about that first part atleast cuz last night on our walk Sarah and Cloey and I had several interactions with neighbors that seemed particularly God-initiated. We’ll see what happens, but I feel forward movement and that feels good.
So yeah, the other part…. Its not that I don’t like me… its more that I don’t like being around me. Which is not good, cuz I can’t seem to get away from me. It has implications… I don’t like how I’m leading, listening, teaching, etc…. I’m not really sure why. I think it may have something to do with job transitions. I can’t really put my finger on it, I feel “intuitively-blind”, disconnected, awkward in my own skin. And at the same time, I’m rather enjoying my life, work, church, family, etc… I don’t feel fragmented… life feels pretty whole, not overly busy, and generally really good. Regardless, I feel awkward. Like I don’t belong inside of me. Like my skin doesn’t fit. Like my soul is too small for my life…. yep that’s it. my soul is too small for my life.
weird.
